It was one of those rainy days.
You know the feeling… Just before the downpour begins, everything goes quiet.
Pin drop silence.
No birds, no wind, no movement. It’s like the world is holding its breath.
And then, if you really listen, you can hear the rain approaching from a distance… like an army marching in. The sound builds and with it, that strange tension in your chest. You brace yourself.
And then… it hits.
The rain falls hard and fast, and you’re in it… completely soaked, no escape.
That moment, right before it all hits, reminds me of the 3-second pause before re-entering a tough conversation.
It’s not just a trick. It is instinct.
Something may be from a few centuries back. Your brain flashes back to “fight or flight” mode, just like your ancestors deciding whether to run or stay still.
And that pause? It has power.
Use it and let it settle in you before you speak next.
Buy me a book, if you like what you read : coff.ee/howto9to5
Today's source for daily insights:
Optimal Outcomes
by Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler (Pages 146 to 154)
This part of the book is all about realistic action.
It offers thoughtful, structured steps to help you shift patterns of conflict in everyday relationship, starting from one-on-one conversations and gently expanding outwards.
It’s a refreshing change from advice that expects you to resolve everything in one go.
✍️ Involve a Small Group
Extend from one person to talking to a small group from your conflict map.
At work, I’ve often found myself on one side of some ongoing tension and the older guy in our group, let’s just say, usually isn’t on my side. Group settings get heated sometimes, especially when we’re all in the same room. But because of our hybrid model, there are days when it’s just me and him at the office.
And on those days, something different happens.
We don’t talk about the conflict, we talk about life.
His cricketing years, my marriage plans.
We compare notes on the markets, our financial dreams, where we are in life him in an aggressive phase as he feels he is late, me still climbing slowly. He even shows me videos of his boundary shots and gets this kid-like grin while describing them.
What strikes me is how different people seem outside the group dynamic. Alone, there's no defense, no team lines.
Just two people talking.
That’s what involving a small group can do, it softens edges, shift assumptions, open doors that stay shut in big conversations.
🪞Reflection:
Who are 2–3 people in your conflict map you could bring into a low-pressure conversation this week?
✅Task:
Set up a short video call or coffee chat with a few people involved in the situation.
Your goal: to listen and gather new ideas but not to fix everything.
✍️ Create Shared Space for Communication
Conflict softens when people are given a shared space to be seen and heard
Every week, I sit down for lunch with some of my colleagues. These are people I don’t always agree with especially when the conversation turns toward religion, gender, or identity.
Sometimes the things they say make me feel distant, even angry. But I still show up.
Why? Because that space.. even with all its tension, also holds the possibility of understanding. I try to listen long enough to find something we as a group can laugh at or to ask a question that slows things down.
Maybe a personal story slips through and for a moment, things feel a little more human.
🪞Reflection:
What kind of shared space might help those in your situation feel more connected or heard?
✅Task:
If it feels right, create a simple shared space (a message thread on any social media group) where key people can exchange thoughts. Then observe what changes.
✍️ Let Others Know Your Intention
People can’t support what they don’t know you are working on.
After my father passed away, I felt sad, confused and overwhelmed. But instead of talking about it, I became angry with my family, at work and even at myself.
It wasn’t explosive, but it built tension and made everyday life harder. My confidence dropped. I was not taking care of myself and I was pushing people away.
I didn’t want to burden my family, so I stayed quiet. But eventually, I told my girlfriend (now fiancé) what was going on. I told her I wanted to change and not stay stuck in that version of myself. She listened, and more than that she supported me. She reminded me of what I was working toward and helped me stay on track.
It helped… a lot.
Just saying it out loud made it real and a hundred times better. And having even one person who understood made the change feel possible.
🪞Reflection:
What change are you trying to make that others might support, if only they knew?
✅Task:
Choose one person and tell them what you are trying to shift even something small like taking longer to respond before reacting.
Ask for their support.
✍️ Test Your Path (and Prepare for What Might Go Wrong)
When you slow down and think ahead, you prevent trouble before it starts.
At work, I often jump in to solve problems mostly when someone from another team knows I have worked on something similar.
Sometimes I can give a solution right away. But other times, I can’t and it ends up dragging on longer than expected. I have already said yes, so backing out feels wrong.
The hardest part is, I rarely get credit for that extra effort. And I still say yes and that too when someone asks politely.
But it does take a toll. It puts pressure on my own deadlines and sometimes creates tension between me and the people I was trying to help.
It’s hard to say no. But it is also hard to keep giving without thinking through what it costs.
I am learning that slowing down and thinking ahead… even just for a few seconds, helps me avoid getting stuck in that cycle.
🪞Reflection:
What is one unintended outcome you could imagine if you act too quickly or don’t act at all?
✅Task:
Try a “mini experiment”. Take a small action in a new direction and observe what happens and then adjust accordingly.
This builds resilience instead of assumptions.
wrapping up…
You don’t need to solve everything this week.
Just pick one relationship, one pattern or one small step you’re willing to explore with fresh eyes.
Progress in conflict isn’t about grand gestures, it is about noticing when something starts to shift, even slightly and…
Follow that energy.
Signing off,
Ajayan N
Fighting with the worst bully, life.