It was an evening.
The sun set like a slow stumper ball that hits the grass and disappears quietly, hiding itself until tomorrow when everyone wakes up, energetic again to search for it.
And I found myself thinking about how conflicts often repeat, especially when people work in teams.
In those moments, it feels like you have to pick a side just to survive the battle and empathy rarely gets to show its face.
It also reminded me of patterns I’ve seen in myself, how often, when I bring up my ideas or values with loved ones or colleagues, they’re rejected not for their merit but because they challenge someone else's deeply held beliefs.
Today's source for daily insights:
Optimal Outcomes
by Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler (Pages 112 to 132)
It was a good read this time and we got into the crux of the whole conflict session, which is to “break away from it“.
Some points from my daily life where I had to look back on :
🧠 Choosing Whether to Talk About Values…
Much of the time it is not necessary to discuss values. But if you're close, and they don't understand your change in behavior… have the talk.
There was this one day at work, we were talking about the government letting women ride public transport for free. And suddenly, the conversation turned into this heated rant about how unfair it is for the middle class, how it’s all politics.
I don’t know what came over me, but I just blurted out,
“At least now rural women can be out in the world without friction. Isn’t that worth something?”
I felt this anger rising, not because I love “freebies,” but because I’ve seen what it’s like for someone to have no way out, no space to move, no access to basics. That was the image in my head.
But I hadn’t even checked if they were open to hearing that. Or if I was in the right frame of mind to explain it without sounding like I was trying to win a fight.
I hadn’t slowed down enough to bring that into the room properly.
🪞 Reflection:
Am I ready to speak kindly, or do I need to practice first?
Is the other person ready to listen, or do I need to wait for a better moment?
✅ Task:
Check in with yourself:
Role-play the conversation with a trusted friend or coach.
Observe the other person’s signals. Are they open, or still defensive? Wait for readiness.
🧠 Build the Scaffolding First...
Before entering the conversation, choose the right time and space. For work, over coffee instead of a meeting room. For family, during a weekend walk.
Most of my arguments don’t start with a sit-down or a plan. They just… happen. One minute we are talking, and the next, we are both somewhere neither of us wanted to go.
There was this one evening, a small disagreement with my fiancé had already started. Emotions were running a little high and in the middle of it, I said something like:
“Hopefully this wasn’t a wrong decision for both of us.”
I didn’t mean it to hurt. In my head, it sounded like concern, like wanting to make sure we’re both okay in this together.
But out loud? It sounded like doubt or a regret.
I saw it hit her and she went silent. I felt the sting too, that moment of “oh no, what did I just say”
We barely spoke for two days. It wasn’t the words, really, it was the timing. It was where we were emotionally.
Looking back, I think the message could’ve mattered… if I had brought it with more care. At a time when we weren’t both already on edge. Maybe during a quiet walk. A softer moment.
Sometimes it’s not what we say, but when and where we choose to say it.
🪞 Reflection:
Have I been using the wrong setting for the right message?
Where would this conversation feel safe and open?
✅ Task:
Pick one upcoming or pending conversation.
Set a time and place that reduces tension.
Ask the other person what setting works for them.
🧠Prepare the Content with Care…
Let the other person know you care for their values even their shadow ones. Make your point a request, not a campaign to win.
There are moments when my partner and I sit back and realize, our values match in ways that really hold us together. It’s comforting, like finding someone who just gets the things that matter to you.
But then there are the quieter, trickier parts, the values we don’t talk about so easily. The ones we hide, or maybe don’t even fully admit to ourselves yet.
One evening, in a moment that felt safe, I gently brought up what I thought one of hers might be. Not to confront her or to fix anything. Just… to share something I had noticed.
And I didn’t ask for agreement. I let it land and gave her space.
She didn’t react right away and that was okay. That pause actually helped me slow down too. I listened more and I stopped trying to prove anything.
Looking back, that moment reminded me that conversations don’t have to be battles. Sometimes just showing you care even about the parts people haven’t fully shared is enough to build trust.
🪞 Reflection:
Did I speak from values.. or from fear?
Did I try to be right, or to be real?
✅ Task:
Draft the 3 key things you want to say.
Now rewrite them from a values-first lens. Make them gentle, grounded, and respectful.
🧠Imagine the Ideal Future…
“Imagine the future outcome in full sensory detail, what does peace sound, feel, smell like? Make it vivid before it’s real.”
Sometimes I catch myself replaying old arguments in my head, like looping scenes in a film I can’t pause.
But what if, instead, I played a different version? One that hasn’t happened yet, but could?
I imagine a future where a call with my mom isn’t weighed down with unspoken worry, where her voice sounds light and mellow.
I picture a conversation with my fiancé where we make a decision together and walk away feeling understood, not worn out. How great it would be if it’s just two people choosing the same side.
And at work? I see a room where people don’t talk over each other where disagreements still happen, but they move things forward instead of pulling us back.
That future isn’t guaranteed. But if I can picture it clearly, maybe I can start walking toward it, one thoughtful moment at a time.
🪞 Reflection:
Am I visualizing repair as a possibility or stuck replaying the past?
What does a good resolution actually feel like to me?
✅ Task:
Write down your “Ideal Future” scenario in detail.
Use all 5 senses.
See it, Hear it, Smell it, Taste it and Feel how to make it a place your mind can return to, before you return to the person.
wrapping up..
When conflicts repeat, it’s easy to believe we’re stuck with them. That certain people will never change or that our values are just too different to bridge.
But what Optimal Outcomes teaches and what I’m slowly learning, is that we don’t have to force understanding in the heat of the moment. We can choose the when, the how, and most importantly, the why of our conversations.
It’s not about being the loudest voice in the room or the one who “wins” the argument. It’s about breaking away from loops that no longer serve us by preparing better, listening harder, and imagining what peace really looks and feels like.
We may not always change minds. But we can change moments.
And maybe, over time, that’s what shifts the rest.
Signing off,
Ajayan N,
Fighting off the worst bully, life.