It was late evening.
I always walk around my terrace so I find the least possible resistance to do some amount of exercise.
Whenever I do walk, I think about my dad. The interactions that I had with him before his death were not so good. His financial stability were like the government roads that crack open in the first monsoon, always ready to break down. Me, My mom and My brother suffered a lot at the time. Due to him being very weak both physically and emotionally, we were not able to put our anger on nobody.
What he lacked in finance he made up for it with his love for us. He always took care of the main question: Are we, his wife and sons, satisfied for today?. I did ask him before he left this world when once we were sitting in the verandah, “Did time go so fast?“ and he said, “Son, It went faster than the blink of an eye“.
Today's source for daily insights:
Optimal Outcomes
by Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler (Pages 99 to 111)
Conflicts arise when you think the words that you put is a retribution, punishment for a crime. Looking at both our ideal and shadow values might reveal the real reason behind the tension and help us step out of the conflict loop.
🧭Values Speak Louder Than Logic
Jennifer introduces the insights of Dr Claude Steele, in his research on identity and resistance, he does state that:
it is nearly impossible to convince an individual with facts if they feel that their values are getting threatened.
There have been many such cases in my family when I question the religion people follow and how it affects our issues with thinking straight with no biases, I hear my mom saying all the time, “Lets not talk about this now“ and when I asked the same thing to my grandmother, she would start beating me throughout mentioning “What do you even think of yourself?“
The values they were born and brought up with if questioned, they do feel threatened , very very threatened looking at the bruise marks from my grandmom’s wrath.
🪞 Reflection
Did it feel like they were not hearing you?
Ask yourself: Was I unknowingly threatening one of their core values?
✅ Task
Identify one person you’ve argued with recently
Now write down:
Their likely core values that were being protected
Your own core values you were defending
The language or tone you used that may have unintentionally challenged their values
🧭We’re Often Arguing the Same Thing
Surface disagreements often arise from the same values but thought out and expressed differently. Two people can scream at each other about “security” vs “freedom” when both are actually defending the same value, empathy, but applying it differently (globally vs nationally, present vs future).
Whenever Me and my gf had a quarrel, it was the same case. We both might be fighting on a word I said, an act she did, but it always would have broken down to a hurt in each others value of “trust“.
🪞 Reflection
What if our disagreement is not about the value, but about where and how we apply it?
✅ Task
Revisit a disagreement that still sits with you, maybe about work, politics, or relationships.
Now, try to write a shared value statement that both you and the other person would agree with.
Example:
“We both care deeply about people’s well being.”
And break it into:
How you expressed that value
How they expressed that value
See if there’s room for a middle ground or at least mutual respect.
🧭Shadow Values Cast the Longest Shadow
Conflicts that arise with other person’s shadow values are harder to tackle as even they don’t know it exists and can be easily misinterpreted.
Jennifer brings up writings from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow :
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we shall find in each man’s life, sorrow and suffering, enough to disarm all hostility.
We are also blind to some facts due to the fundamental attribution error.
We attribute other people’s actions to their own personality flaws, while we attribute our own actions to situational circumstances.
I have tried to accept that my shadow value is being more competitive and I am trying to find middle grounds in working with it. The activities for doing this also includes:
🪞 Reflection
Ask yourself: What part of me reacts too strongly, too fast and what value is it protecting in the dark?
✅ Task
Choose a situation where your reaction felt “too much” defensive, irritated, or withdrawn.
Write down:
Your reaction
What that protected
What shadow value was behind it (for eg, fear of being irrelevant, need for control)
🧭Draw the Map Before the Apology
Create a values map:
Your ideal vs shadow values
Their ideal vs shadow values
Areas of overlap, tension, or misunderstanding
This builds a path towards understanding the problems before jumping into resolution.
These are some of mine that I have wrote down in the recent fight with my fiance.
This helped me avoid the conflict loop.
🪞 Reflection
Before you rush to fix or apologize in a conflict, pause to map both sides’ values. Most of the time, apologies without understanding each other feels hollow and unfinished.
What if the map is the repair?
Where is there overlap?
Where is there tension?
Where is there room to honor both?
✅ Task
Create a Values Map. You can sketch it or make a 2-column table and reflect on the above questions.
Maybe the point isn’t to win over someone or trying to change their mind but to recognize the invisible values that play underneath. There are values that we hide and we cling to but from somewhere through this values map above, we find a way forward.
I'd love to hear, What shadow value are you learning to honor in yourself lately? Hit reply if you'd like to share.
Signing off,
Ajayan N,
Fighting off the worst bully, life.