The day had started, but I wasn’t up, not really.
I lay in bed like a soaked log resting on the ground, weighed down by everything it had absorbed over the years.
That was me: soaked in regret, pinned by past choices and the weight of words exchanged with the people I love.
I knew what I had to do, I always know.
I’ve read the books, watched the videos, made the plans. But in those moments, none of it seemed to matter.
I’d lie there thinking about work, not doing it. Watching the same videos on loop, distracting myself from the growing pressure.
My body kept aging, but my mind felt like it was shrinking, stuck in the same cycle, unable to move forward.
🔹What We’re About to Talk About
How to use the 10-10-10 principle to make emotionally intelligent decisions
Why even well-intended actions can backfire and what to do about it ?
The power of mentally rehearsing hard conversations before you have them
How to run small emotional experiments with safe people to build confidence
Optimal Outcomes
by Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler (Pages 155 to 166)
Optimal Outcomes helps you break out of stuck patterns in conflict by encouraging thoughtful anticipation, self-awareness and experimentation.
It doesn't just tell you to avoid conflict, it shows you how to move through it wisely, one step at a time.
🔮Zoom Out With “10-10-10”
Envision the impact of your action in the immediate 10 minutes, the coming 10 months and the distant 10 years.
It was that time of the night, the edge of sleep, when I become my grumpiest self. At that point, I don’t really hear anyone. It’s like my brain shuts off empathy completely. The world narrows into a square frame behind my glasses, just me, alone in it. My thoughts tilt, my posture stiffens and I become stubbornly unreachable.
And like every other night, my fiancée called, trying once again to wake me up and remind me to eat. She’s tried this so many times before, always with care, always with hope, even though I rarely listen.
This time was no different, I brushed her off again and chose the comfort of shutting everything out.
But something felt different after the call ended. The abrupt silence didn’t feel like peace, it felt like guilt. A cold sense of disgust settled in. For a moment, I saw it clearly: what if one day she stops trying? What if this repeated rejection, this one specific window of emotional shutdown, slowly teaches her not to care at all?
Reflection:
What’s the cost of speaking now versus staying silent?
Are you choosing short-term comfort or long-term impact?
Task:
Before a conversation, jot down how your words might affect things in:
10 minutes: Will emotions run high?
10 months: Could you regret not speaking up?
10 years: What kind of relationship do you want to preserve?
🔮 Anticipate Unintended Consequences
Even the most loving messages can cause harm if we overlook emotional landmines.
I felt that familiar flicker of anger rising while arguing with my mom. I shouldn’t have barked at her, I know that. But the moment I feel my beliefs being challenged or the way I speak being picked apart, I tense up.
I don’t retreat, I turn sharp, cynical.
I start dismantling her arguments, one by one, until the conversation isn’t even a conversation anymore… just me trying to win.
But winning what, really?
Somewhere deep down, I know I need to be softer with her. Calmer, more patient. This bond isn’t permanent just because she’s my mother. It needs tending too, like anything alive. It needs water, attention, care. And I need to remind myself that being right doesn’t matter nearly as much as being kind.
Reflection:
Are you assuming they’ll understand your intent?
What might their emotional triggers be?
Task:
Sketch out potential outcomes. Ask:
What if they misread my tone?
Who else might be affected by this interaction?
🔮 Rehearse Before You Speak
A little foresight can turn confrontation into connection.
There was this restaurant near my place where I’d had a bad experience about a month ago. I’d gone there for lunch, just wanting a simple roti and curry but after waiting for almost an hour, they casually told me they didn’t have roti. I walked out, frustrated, and told myself I’d never return.
So when a friend suggested going back there recently because they had better food options, I resisted hard. I didn’t want to be back in that space. I didn’t want to meet the eyes of the waiter who, in my mind, had disrespected me. I didn’t want to relive that moment.
But I also reminded myself of something: sometimes avoiding discomfort just creates more of it. So I chose to go… with the intention of letting go. I kept things light, made no sarcastic comments and actually enjoyed the food.
My friend was happier too as no need to pick between me and his favorite lunch spot.
In the end, it wasn’t just about food. It was about choosing peace over pride and it made the whole thing easier for both of us.
Reflection:
What tone or phrase could defuse tension?
What would it feel like to really listen instead of fix?
Task:
Write a simple dialogue before the conversation. For each sentence, ask:
Could this escalate the situation?
If so, how can I soften it without watering down the truth?
🔮Run Mini Experiments With People Who Love You
Your first draft doesn’t have to be your final version especially in human relationships.
At work, I sometimes find myself pulled into conversations that probably don’t belong in an office… religion, politics, deep-rooted beliefs. I don’t seek them out, but the energy in the room, the bitterness in their tone, it draws something out of me. I respond and I push back. And once I’m in it, it’s hard to stop.
Later, I talk about it with close friends, the ones who actually help me process, not just react.
Their feedback is usually calm, often the same:
"Maybe it’s just that I never talk about these things at work."
"Sounds like the people you're around aren't really at peace with themselves."
At first, those responses feel like a mismatch to the intensity I felt. But slowly, they give me space. A way to mentally replay the conversation, to notice where I lost my ground and more importantly, how I can hold onto it next time.
Their perspective doesn’t change what happened, but it helps me see how I can protect my peace and maybe walk out of those situations with less weight on my mind.
Reflection:
Who are your safe people to experiment with?
Can feedback from them prepare you better?
Task:
Test your message on a friend or coach.
Ask them how it landed.
Adjust your wording or tone based on their feedback before going into the real conversation.
wrapping up…
Hard conversations don’t have to be landmines. With perspective (10-10-10), thoughtful preparation, and small experiments, you can face emotional moments with wisdom instead of fear. The outcome might still surprise you but you’ll know you’ve acted with clarity and care.
🌱 This week: Pick one conversation you’ve been avoiding. Use the 10-10-10 lens. Rehearse. Try it in a mini-experiment. Let growth, not fear, lead the way.
Buy me a book, if you want to support me, to read how it helped me, what were the insights that I got from the book and ultimately to keep this show going:
Kindly share to those you feel need to read this:
And really, I love to hear from you. You mean so much to me🥰😇
Signing off,
Ajayan N,
Fighting off the worst bully, life
Great article. It’s like an engineers way of relating to another human correctly. It’s a blueprint for perfection that assumes you need to really think before your speak. It helps me understand another one’s mind.